Expectation

I cannot imagine what sitting in a library for hours feels like - and for that matter, how I did it. On days off I need to jog simply to rid myself of all my excess energy.

People keep telling me, "You're living the dream". What interesting dreams people have. Why does it have to be a dream for that matter? What holds people back from escaping the norms and expectations society places on us? Fear? Lack of knowledge?

I went to a potluck this evening. Lots of people retire in East Sooke. There were only three people under the age of thirty there. Large groups make me feel uncomfortable. I ended up talking to an elderly man about his experience working on a tobacco farm when he was a youth. He told me he'd drop by the market to continue our conversation. I also talked to one of the other "under thirties". He works at the bike store in Sooke and is going to give me a bicycle. I currently have no mode of transportation except bus route sixty four and kind neighbours.

I cannot seem to sleep the last couple of nights. Whether it is restlessness, loneliness, excess energy, exhaustion, or frustration, I don't know. When I lie down at night my brain will not turn off.

I spent three hours making cards last night and it felt really nice. My bedroom is the only place in this barn that I feel at home in. Communal living is often times invasive. That's life.

One of the cheeses I made this week was supposed to be provolone. I didn't read the recipe properly so I didn't dilute the lipase. I also forgot about the cheese while making it. Needless to say, it wasn't provolone, but it was the first cheese to sell out at market. I like that.

I am scared about returning to Guelph. I do not want to fall into the same cycle. I do not want to cram my days: work, school, campus ministries events, the gym, group meetings, house responsibilities, coffee dates, volunteering, hours in the library. I expect too much of myself. Why is the thought of having a seventy average so horrible? Why do I think I need to be a leader in campus ministries? Why is simply investing in Friendship Club, a few close friends, school, a part-time job and church not enough? Why do we place so many demands on ourselves? Why are we so uncomfortable not being busy?

I live here. I work here. I rest here. I volunteer on Mondays. I rest on Sundays.  I've learned to enjoy music more. I enjoy laughter more. I enjoy running more. I enjoy looking at the sky more. I am thankful for my hands. I am thankful for my food. I am thankful for sunshine and for rain. I am thankful for wool and for rain boots.

But mostly, right now, I'm thankful for freedom.